1st Post-Placement Visit

I was sweating it today when Marlee was exhausted and screaming about 30 minutes before her social worker got here.  Of all the progress we've made, I was pretty sure things would look like they were falling apart for the social worker.  I did something I haven't done yet...put Marlee in her bed screaming.  I've been trying to make sure she felt loved, cared for and her needs met, but today, Momma needed a few minutes to get her composure before our home visit.  Of course Marlee stopped crying in about 90 seconds and fell fast asleep.  This was FAIRLY good news, but the social worker has to see Marlee which meant a shorter-than-normal nap.  I sure hate waking up a sleeping child!  We paid for that later this evening when she was a cranky mess at the restaurant, but she was a gem for the home visit.  Overall, we're adjusting well and got some great bonding/attachment/discipline tips from our wonderful social worker.  We don't have to do another for 6 months!  I wish everyone could see the progress she's made in the past 2 weeks.  It's amazing to even look back at pictures and see the void look in her eyes from the first few days to the joy she radiates now.  She's fantastic!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Chrismas everyone!  I hope you had a wonderful Christmas season!  I have to admit that we dropped the ball this year making the focus wholly on the birth of Jesus.  We had so many distractions this year that I feel like we totally failed on the true meaning of Christmas.  Doug tells me not to beat myself up that we didn't do the Advent candles and daily Bible reading through the Advent season, but I feel terrible that for my kids this year Christmas was selfish and all about what we have & what we're getting.  We have spent the last three weeks totally engrossed in Marlee and how happy we are that she's home.  Although that is such a blessing and we are so happy to have our family complete this year, I feel like I've done a poor job of shifting the focus on God and how he has blessed us this year.  All I can do is try better today!
Marlee was great at most of our Christmas gatherings.  She had the chance to meet most of the extended family the past 3 days and was SO GOOD!  For some reason she does a lot better in groups of people, than at home with just us.  I guess there are more people to entertain her so she's not so fussy.  At home, she cries whenever I'm not holding her, but she let the grandparent's hold her and allowed me to leave the room sometimes.  To me, that's a big deal!  My in-laws have seen her 3 times since we've been home and they commented on how she seems happier and smiles more each time they see her.  Being with her everyday we don't see the small changes.  It's nice to hear others comment on how well she's adjusting.  Everyday gets better and better. 

Transparency

In this post I will be very transparent!  I'm not complaining, just being "real" about how things are going.  I want to be honest about our blessings and struggles so as not to paint a false reality for anyone else considering adoption. Marlee is an absolute joy.  She's beautiful, healthy, funny, sweet, strong & difficult!  I know many, many people were praying for her to bond with me.  Well, please stop praying that now!  Of course, I'm kidding...but she's done a complete 180 since Doug went back to work.  He can't do anything for her now and she's attached to my hip all waking hours.  As much as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the snuggling, it's a very needy state for her, and draining for me. We thought that she had bonded with Doug in China, but you can't be bonded to someone then after one 10 hour shift of work, not want them anymore AT ALL!  I don't really have a name for what she had with Doug, but bonded was not it. I'm not sure what "bonded" will look like, or how I'll even know when she feels that way, but I certainly don't right now.  Much of these things were completely expected, but it's easy to sit on the outside of a situation and think about the facts of how it could be.  It's completely different when you are in the situation and it's your daughter and your future.   As I say all these things it looks like we're really struggling and not doing well.  That's actually not true at all....she smiles, plays, sleeps well, eats well and is obviously happy a lot. It's just really draining on me when she can't be put down for 1 second!  As much as I prayed for her to bond with me, this was not what I had in mind.  I guess I just want her to be comfortable enough at home that she's ok to play and allow me to leave the room for a minute (I have to go to the bathroom sometimes).  I know it will come!  I'm frustrated today because Maggie is sick with some sort of virus and I can't even comfort or take care of her because I have Marlee on my hip and I want to keep her healthy.
 I'm also having a hard time feeling in the Christmas spirit because I'm just tired.  I'm tired of my house being a wreck (I haven't gotten everything straight after unpacking) because I'm trying to clean house holding a baby.  I'm tired of the crying that goes on anytime she's put down (but she stops the second I pick her up).  I'm tired of feeling like I have to be so darn happy every second now that she's home. I'm tired of being the only one who can do anything for her, and I'm tired because I have 2 other children that aren't sleeping well and I'm up at all hours caring for them. I know there are some people reading this who want to punch me in the face and say, "you've waited 6 years for her and now you're complaining???? Maybe you should have been happy with the 2 kids you already had & not put more on your plate". I read a blog post somewhere this past year & wish so bad that I could find it again.  It was basically an adoptive mom writing about how hard adoption is.  The point was, adoption is different from giving birth to a baby.  Don't tell an adoptive parent all the things that worked with your biological child & how it will help them.  Don't tell adoptive parents that this was a mistake or they should have really thought this through before adopting.  Don't act like if the adopted child isn't perfect that this was a mistake or something is wrong with them.  Instead, let the parents vent, let them cry, let them say things aren't perfect and just listen.  Every adoptive situation is different because every child's situation since birth is different.  Some children have a past that is terrible, horrible and can't be imagined.  Others had good care in their past and are dealing with all the ramifications of adjusting to a new environment, new culture, new food, smells, a new life.  It's hard on everyone.  But with that being said, it's a perfect model of the grace that God extends me as a believer.  I came to Him with so much baggage, garbage, junk and a sinful heart from my past.  He took me in as His child with all the trash that came with me.  He didn't care...He knew it all.  And as Marlee is going to want her foster mother, the home where she's lived for the last year, the smells, food, and life she's used to, she's going to push us away time and time again.  She wants what's comfortable to her, what she knows, even if it's not what's best for her future.  We can tell her over and over again (and we do), "Marlee, we love you.  We will take care of you. You are o.k., You have 2 sisters who love you.  You have a warm bed and good food.  We have plans for your future and you're going to be well taken care of."  How many times do I hunger and want the things of this world, the things I know and I'm used to?  I'm sure God is saying to me, "Rachel, I love you.  I will take care of you.  You are o.k., I have a place prepared for you.  I will always give you the food and shelter you need.  I've placed your name in my book and you have a place with me for eternity."  Adoption is such a parallel to salvation.  We are all adopted as children of the King and it's becoming more and more real to me each day.  So, for all the struggles we're having this week, I wouldn't change a thing.  It's all been perfectly orchestrated by the One who knows better than I do and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Sweet Dreams!

Well, Marlee lasted all night in her bed, so we all had a very restful night of sweet, sweet dreams.  Today was her 12 month well-visit where we did have to do 4 shots.  She's deficient in many of her shots that are required here in the states for her age.  Although she had many shots in China, they don't require all that is required here.  There are still a few shots she needs, but those will be spread out over the next several visits.  She was only in the 5% for her weight.  She's a tiny little pumpkin, which is very normal for Asian girls, it's just concerning if she were to get sick with something like the flu because she doesn't have good fat reserves to get her through an illness.  We've got to fatten that baby up!  We're going to start her on whole milk so maybe some fat rolls will form soon.  Sure wish I could share some of mine with her...hee, hee!

GOOD night

Marlee is currently sleeping in her crib for the first of hopefully many, many restful nights.  She's had 2 naps there but has been sleeping in our bed almost every night since we got her.  Although it's been great to have her snuggling with us, nobody gets a good nights rest.  We'll see if it lasts all night!  Tomorrow is her well-visit...hoping for no shots, but I think I'll be wrong!

1st day of church

I was so excited to take Marlee to church today.  So many people have prayed for and with us for the past 6 years, it was great to let people see the answer to these prayers.  She did great!  Considering she's only been with us for 13 days, it's miraculous how well she's adjusting.  I'm certainly not saying it's been perfect...we've had lots of bumps in the road, hours & hours of crying and nights of very restless sleep, but overall, we've had a great transition!  She let me carry her around at church and even fell asleep in my arms during the sermon.  This is HUGE considering yesterday was the first day she even laid her head on me.  The best part was that Doug was sitting right beside us and she fell asleep on me.  I'm thinking she'll do ok once he returns to work.  This time last week I was thinking he was going to need a 6 week maternity leave just to keep us all sane.  It's amazing how God has prepared and healed her heart over the past 2 weeks.  I know we will continue to transition for weeks and weeks, but I'm so thankful for the ease of the journey so far.

a big deal....

It might not seem like much to you, but tonight Marlee put her head on my chest and snuggled!  To me, it's pure bliss!  After 6 years of waiting for her, then 13 long days of opposition to me, it's a big deal!  She didn't even cry for Doug while he was in the room with us.  I knew these feelings of opposition would subside, but it was still hard to accept.  I'm her MOTHER, I should be the one to snuggle, hold, rock to sleep, etc...  I'm on cloud 9 tonight!

Friday Fun-day

I felt like such a husband today!!  Doug was home holding Marlee, like he's done for the past 12 days, while I went out and did things for myself.  Don't get me wrong, Doug is very, very involved as a parent, but it's different to be a dad.  They don't have to check their calendar days in advance to run out and do some personal errands, they don't have to make sure the spouse will watch the kids, they just make plans and do them!  Well, today that was me!  I received a gift certificate for a facial and parrafin hand dip awhile back, and today I enjoyed myself.  Poor Doug was home holding a cranky baby.  Marlee had a rough day today, wanting to sleep a lot (on him of course) and fussy.  We've decided that she's just a very social person.  We went to a Christmas party tonight and after a fussy, crabby day, she went into the party and smiled at everyone.  She even reached for a few different people to hold her.  (She immediately turned around and wanted to go back to Daddy, but she tried.) We have 4 more days to get her more used to me.  I'm still able to do more and more with her each day which is progress.  Tomorrow is a swim meet for Maggie so it's another day out of the house for Marlee.  I think Doug is a little stir-crazy and I certainly don't blame him! 

We're HOME!

I can't believe our trip is already over and we're back home.  Marlee is absolutely perfect!  There are so many things about this trip I want to share...it will take me a few days to get it all down.  We have so many emotions right now, it's hard to get everything in black & white.  I just want to start by saying a huge, "THANK YOU" to all of you who have prayed, called, texted, msg. us this past week.  It's so wonderful to have friends who really, genuinely care about our lives.  I'm thankful my children will have you as examples of friendship to model. Things have gone well at home our first 24 hours.  Marlee is, as expected, having a period of adjustment.  She was very close to her foster mother and was extremely upset about being handed over to another family.  We had prayed and prepared for this day for 6 years, she woke up on Dec. 3rd and her whole world changed.  We prayed for her to have a normal grieving period, which we think she is, but it's still hard. I'm thankful that she's bonding with Doug and finds him to be her comfort. It's been hard on him to be the constant caregiver, but what a blessing that she's bonding with SOMEONE!  I know that she will come around to me eventually, but it's hard on this momma to not snuggle her baby.  We feel so blessed to be entrusted with this gift.  Adoption is such a gift....it's something I didn't really understand until now.  Please keep praying for Marlee's transition and her sweet heart!

Girl Time

Marlee is doing great with me now. I think it's probably because it was either like me or starve :)

She loves Maggie like crazy!!!

Mommy Time

Proof that she's warming up to me. It was either hold mommy's hands or nose dive into the pool. She's a smart girl!

Shopping

We went shopping today so Maggie is a happy girl. Marlee didn't get a good nap this afternoon so she's pretty crabby tonight. We noticed today that 1 bottom tooth is poking through. That doesn't help her mood either!
Tomorrow we have our Consulate appointment, get visa on Tue & fly home on Wednesday. It's been a fast trip! I'm so ready to get back to Morgan!!!

Beautiful

And finally one of those beautiful teeth!

Hey Y'all

I couldn't wait to put this dress/leggings on Marlee. I had a fundraiser last summer where I sold Rosie Posie clothes from my friend Suzanne. She developed this clothing line & let me sell some overstock. I bought this outfit 18 months ago & couldn't wait to let her wear some of the clothes that helped bring her home. She is adorable & we've gotten lots & lots of comments about how beautiful she is. I wish I could get a good smiling picture but she freezes up when I get the camera out. Her smile & 2 top teeth melt my heart!

Marlee

Marlee was such a champ at the medical. Since she doesn't have any special needs her exam was easy & fast. Mostly just height, weight & ENT check. She even smiled through most of it. We are in the city where all children come before heading to the US so we are seeing lots & lots of adoptive families. Many children are bonding with dad instead of mom so I'm feeling better. Some of these children have severe special needs & I am so thankful they are now with their "forever family" so they can be better cared for. I sat next to another family from TN (Kingsport) today at the medical....it's a small world.

Today

Today is Marlee's medical appointment. Hoping it is going to be pretty easy. Of course, Doug will have to hold her & she will scream like crazy when someone else touches her. I am sure this is business as usual for these doctors since they deal with these children everyday! Hopefully, no shots!

Plane

Marlee's 1st flight & she did great. Of course, Doug had to hold her the whole time. It will be a loooong 22+ hours to come home on Wed. She is so stinkin' sweet!

Friday

We are about to head out on flight #4 of our 6 flights for the trip. Counting Nashville & flying into Chicago, we will be in 7 cities & 6 flights in 13 days. We are going to be a tired bunch when we get home. Marlee is doing ok today. Each day that we move 2 steps forward, the next day seems to be 1 step back. Overall, she is adjusting very normally & grieving a loss that should be grieved. Next stop, Guangzhou!