Back to school...

At the end of the last school year, I was feeling overwhelmed and defeated.  M1 was doing great, but I was feeling pulled into too many directions with the little sisters, so I signed her back up for public school.  It's been quite an adjustment!!!  The first week didn't start off too great, but we're slowly improving all the time.  I say WE because it's been an adjustment for everyone.  Keep us in your prayers as we navigate these new waters!

Summer time

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months.  I think I pretty much shut down since summer started.  We've been really busy, our house was on the market (didn't sell), we went on vacation, had some exchange students from China stay with us, and just enjoyed being together.  We've got some changes coming up in the next few weeks so it's time for me to get my head out of the sand and get back to reality.  Maggie will be going back to public school this year.  I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED homeschooling and it was a great time for Marlee to adjust to our family, but it's time for us to try something different.  I was very overwhelmed 2nd semester with a new addition and being mom/teacher.  I felt like every chance I had to spend with Maggie was teacher/student time because Marlee required so much of my attention during the day.  I need a chance to get back to being Mom for awhile.  We were able to get into a wonderful school that I have heard nothing but wonderful things about.  We're all excited! 
We are also contemplating putting our house on the market again.  We feel so conflicted about what to do.  We love our house, but also would like to live on our farm.  Making grown-up decisions just isn't fun!  We've been home with Marlee for 7 months already.  I think I can honestly say that things feel really normal around our house....finally!  The girls are so wonderful together and it's so easy to forget that Marlee was adopted.  It seems like she's always been here.  The 6 year wait is such a distant memory, but I would do it all over again tomorrow if I had to!  I can't wait to see what's in store for our little family of 5 this year!

It's all about love....

I was recently asked to speak at a MOPS gathering about our adoption journey.  To say I didn't want to do it was a huge understatement.  I love my sweet MOPS ladies but I certainly didn't want to tell them that I've been struggling for the last few months and I was the LAST person who needed to share my testimony.  Adopting Marlee has been the single greatest blessing of my life (apart from the gift of salvation) but it has caused me to expose a brokeness that I would have rather kept to myself.  Some things I'm learning about adoption is that you can't come face to face with someone who is broken without facing your own brokeness.  All adoptions begin with loss and that was certainly the case for Marlee.  She had suffered the loss of her birth parents and again the loss of her foster mother on that beautiful, Dec. 3rd morning.  Although we had 6 glorious years of preparing for, praying and longing for her, she didn't ask for any of this and was certainly caught off guard when "Nana" handed her over in the lobby of the hotel and we walked away.  This baby was, and is, broken.  She is healing more and more each day and is growing into a joyful, pleasant and independent toddler.  We all love her with all of our heart and she's going to be ok, but right now, she's grieving a loss that I'll never understand.  I've had some hard days with her.  For the most part, I am the only one she wants and it wears on me day after day after day.  The crying has been the most difficult because it's a panic-stricken screaming/crying.  I get it.  She needs comfort and we, as her parents, are not her comfort yet.  She feels very alone.  But, in these times of crying, I've exposed my bitterness and frustration at things not being perfect.  What I'm realizing about myself is that I'm not a very loving person.  The Bible tells us over and over to love one another and I fail at that miserably.  I see things in a very black & white perspective and often have very cold emotions.  This really came to the surface for me when I was acting in unloving ways to this precious baby who only needed her Mom to LOVE her.  She needed me and I was failing her.  Instead of the mindset that we were here for her, we would care for her, we would help her heal,  I'm realing that we'll be with each other, take care of each other and heal together.   This is a process that instead of us doing for her, we'll work through with her.  And, you know what, that's what family is all about.

4 months

4 months ago yesterday, I was sitting on a bus in China.  Our flight from Beijing had been delayed which made us late to our destination.  We were headed to the hotel where our daughter was patiently waiting for us in the lobby.  As we pulled up in front, I looked through the big lobby windows and my eyes met those of a precious woman who had spent the last 12 months caring for my daughter.  We briefly smiled at each other as the bus came to a stop.  I took a deep, deep breath knowing I was about to come face-to-face with the child I had prayed for, for the past 6 years.  It was all surreal!  Once I walked into that lobby, everything was a blur.  I remember us walking to each other....and then, she was in my arms.  For the first few seconds, Marlee just looked around, somewhat confused.  Then, she began to reach for her foster mother.  I held Nana's hand (that's what we call the foster mom) and said "xie, xie" (thank-you) over and over again to her. That was it....the only thing I could say to this woman.  Our guide was busy with another family and couldn't come translate.  Marlee was struggling to get back to Nana and was crying hysterically because she couldn't.  Nana was smiling, knowing that this precious baby was going home.  Then it was over....our guide told us it was best to go ahead to our room, and we walked away.  Our journey was beginning.  It seems like a lifetime ago that this happened, yet it also seems like yesterday.  Marlee has come so far these past 4 months.  We're learning her personality, her likes and dislikes, and falling in love more and more each day.  I look at her, toddling around my living room in her ballerina pajamas this morning.  Every few minutes she comes up to me and flashes that beautiful smile, almond shaped eyes sparkling.  I.just.can't.believe.it.  I can't believe she's home and our family is complete.  It hasn't always been fun or easy, but this is the path God planned for us, and we are certainly blessed!


Dec. 3, 2012

April 4, 2013

Going crazy!

Sometimes I get into the rhythm of trying to do too much!  When that happens, I slide into a pit of stress that doesn't want to let go, and guess who pays for it?  My poor family.  This has been one of those weeks when my kids are wondering who in the world this crazy woman is?  When will I come to the realization that I can sit and enjoy my family without having to get up 1,000 times to wash clothes, clean house, put away things, wash dishes, get the mail, pay bills, start a project, etc...  Poor Marlee has been on my hip for almost 4 solid months.  This week she has a cold and is cutting molars.  She doesn't feel well, and I'm bitter because of it.  You know what that tells me?  I'm doing too much and don't have enough left in the tank for my children.  That's pathetic.  I sure wish I knew why Mom's felt like they had to be Superwoman.  Thankfully, I have some sweet moms who have traveled this road ahead of me to say that I'm not going crazy and it's ok to take some time for myself.  So, I'm going to prop my feet up and watch a movie.  Maybe I won't be crazy tomorrow!

Girls today

Raising children is never an easy task.  Raising children in this technological world seems to be even harder.  Our children are bombarded by the words and images that "sex sells" at every turn.  I just read an article found here that discusses this very issue.  I started thinking about the fact that for some reason, God gave me the full time job of raising 3 girls.  Whew...that's a hard task.  We discuss modesty and privacy on an almost daily routine.  My girls wonder why people wear such inappropriate clothes, comment on the covers of our magazines (really, do we need a bikini clad Lindsey Vonn on the cover of Outside magazine) and wonder why middle school girls already have boyfriends.  These are hard things to answer for a 9 and 4 year old.  And yes, my 4 year old wonders why ladies are "inappropriate".  These girls also keep me in check.  They will tell me if my shirt is cut "too low", or if my belly shows in my shirt when I raise my arms up.  Trust me, I DO NOT want this muffin top hanging out for ANYONE to see.  But, will they always feel this way?  Will I always have girls that want to wear a one piece bathing suit, or wear modest clothing?  Probably not.  But, I can sure show my girls how proud we should be to be made in the image of God, how our bodies should belong to us alone, and that we already have the blood-stained approval of the ONLY One who matters, Jesus.  My oldest recently went on a skiing trip and came home with 8 stitches in her upper lip thanks to a snowboarder.  She handled herself with bravery and poise when she commented, "you know, this will be awesome to have a scar.  It will give me something to always remember that I went skiing.".  At 9, she's not concerned with having a scar on her face to make her appear "less than perfect".  She's proud of the fact that she's living & enjoying her life.  Even if there are some bumps along the way.

Moving, not moving....

Well, as with anything, it's not over until "the fat lady sings".  This is also the case with selling a home.  It looks like the buyers have had a change of plans.  A 40 year old home didn't sound as good as a new one, so they've decided to pass.  It looks like we'll keep it on the market, at least for a bit longer, and if it doesn't sell, we'll refinance and call it a day!  The good news is, we didn't have everything packed up and moved out...could you imagine?