Back to school...

At the end of the last school year, I was feeling overwhelmed and defeated.  M1 was doing great, but I was feeling pulled into too many directions with the little sisters, so I signed her back up for public school.  It's been quite an adjustment!!!  The first week didn't start off too great, but we're slowly improving all the time.  I say WE because it's been an adjustment for everyone.  Keep us in your prayers as we navigate these new waters!

Summer time

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months.  I think I pretty much shut down since summer started.  We've been really busy, our house was on the market (didn't sell), we went on vacation, had some exchange students from China stay with us, and just enjoyed being together.  We've got some changes coming up in the next few weeks so it's time for me to get my head out of the sand and get back to reality.  Maggie will be going back to public school this year.  I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED homeschooling and it was a great time for Marlee to adjust to our family, but it's time for us to try something different.  I was very overwhelmed 2nd semester with a new addition and being mom/teacher.  I felt like every chance I had to spend with Maggie was teacher/student time because Marlee required so much of my attention during the day.  I need a chance to get back to being Mom for awhile.  We were able to get into a wonderful school that I have heard nothing but wonderful things about.  We're all excited! 
We are also contemplating putting our house on the market again.  We feel so conflicted about what to do.  We love our house, but also would like to live on our farm.  Making grown-up decisions just isn't fun!  We've been home with Marlee for 7 months already.  I think I can honestly say that things feel really normal around our house....finally!  The girls are so wonderful together and it's so easy to forget that Marlee was adopted.  It seems like she's always been here.  The 6 year wait is such a distant memory, but I would do it all over again tomorrow if I had to!  I can't wait to see what's in store for our little family of 5 this year!

It's all about love....

I was recently asked to speak at a MOPS gathering about our adoption journey.  To say I didn't want to do it was a huge understatement.  I love my sweet MOPS ladies but I certainly didn't want to tell them that I've been struggling for the last few months and I was the LAST person who needed to share my testimony.  Adopting Marlee has been the single greatest blessing of my life (apart from the gift of salvation) but it has caused me to expose a brokeness that I would have rather kept to myself.  Some things I'm learning about adoption is that you can't come face to face with someone who is broken without facing your own brokeness.  All adoptions begin with loss and that was certainly the case for Marlee.  She had suffered the loss of her birth parents and again the loss of her foster mother on that beautiful, Dec. 3rd morning.  Although we had 6 glorious years of preparing for, praying and longing for her, she didn't ask for any of this and was certainly caught off guard when "Nana" handed her over in the lobby of the hotel and we walked away.  This baby was, and is, broken.  She is healing more and more each day and is growing into a joyful, pleasant and independent toddler.  We all love her with all of our heart and she's going to be ok, but right now, she's grieving a loss that I'll never understand.  I've had some hard days with her.  For the most part, I am the only one she wants and it wears on me day after day after day.  The crying has been the most difficult because it's a panic-stricken screaming/crying.  I get it.  She needs comfort and we, as her parents, are not her comfort yet.  She feels very alone.  But, in these times of crying, I've exposed my bitterness and frustration at things not being perfect.  What I'm realizing about myself is that I'm not a very loving person.  The Bible tells us over and over to love one another and I fail at that miserably.  I see things in a very black & white perspective and often have very cold emotions.  This really came to the surface for me when I was acting in unloving ways to this precious baby who only needed her Mom to LOVE her.  She needed me and I was failing her.  Instead of the mindset that we were here for her, we would care for her, we would help her heal,  I'm realing that we'll be with each other, take care of each other and heal together.   This is a process that instead of us doing for her, we'll work through with her.  And, you know what, that's what family is all about.

4 months

4 months ago yesterday, I was sitting on a bus in China.  Our flight from Beijing had been delayed which made us late to our destination.  We were headed to the hotel where our daughter was patiently waiting for us in the lobby.  As we pulled up in front, I looked through the big lobby windows and my eyes met those of a precious woman who had spent the last 12 months caring for my daughter.  We briefly smiled at each other as the bus came to a stop.  I took a deep, deep breath knowing I was about to come face-to-face with the child I had prayed for, for the past 6 years.  It was all surreal!  Once I walked into that lobby, everything was a blur.  I remember us walking to each other....and then, she was in my arms.  For the first few seconds, Marlee just looked around, somewhat confused.  Then, she began to reach for her foster mother.  I held Nana's hand (that's what we call the foster mom) and said "xie, xie" (thank-you) over and over again to her. That was it....the only thing I could say to this woman.  Our guide was busy with another family and couldn't come translate.  Marlee was struggling to get back to Nana and was crying hysterically because she couldn't.  Nana was smiling, knowing that this precious baby was going home.  Then it was over....our guide told us it was best to go ahead to our room, and we walked away.  Our journey was beginning.  It seems like a lifetime ago that this happened, yet it also seems like yesterday.  Marlee has come so far these past 4 months.  We're learning her personality, her likes and dislikes, and falling in love more and more each day.  I look at her, toddling around my living room in her ballerina pajamas this morning.  Every few minutes she comes up to me and flashes that beautiful smile, almond shaped eyes sparkling.  I.just.can't.believe.it.  I can't believe she's home and our family is complete.  It hasn't always been fun or easy, but this is the path God planned for us, and we are certainly blessed!


Dec. 3, 2012

April 4, 2013

Going crazy!

Sometimes I get into the rhythm of trying to do too much!  When that happens, I slide into a pit of stress that doesn't want to let go, and guess who pays for it?  My poor family.  This has been one of those weeks when my kids are wondering who in the world this crazy woman is?  When will I come to the realization that I can sit and enjoy my family without having to get up 1,000 times to wash clothes, clean house, put away things, wash dishes, get the mail, pay bills, start a project, etc...  Poor Marlee has been on my hip for almost 4 solid months.  This week she has a cold and is cutting molars.  She doesn't feel well, and I'm bitter because of it.  You know what that tells me?  I'm doing too much and don't have enough left in the tank for my children.  That's pathetic.  I sure wish I knew why Mom's felt like they had to be Superwoman.  Thankfully, I have some sweet moms who have traveled this road ahead of me to say that I'm not going crazy and it's ok to take some time for myself.  So, I'm going to prop my feet up and watch a movie.  Maybe I won't be crazy tomorrow!

Girls today

Raising children is never an easy task.  Raising children in this technological world seems to be even harder.  Our children are bombarded by the words and images that "sex sells" at every turn.  I just read an article found here that discusses this very issue.  I started thinking about the fact that for some reason, God gave me the full time job of raising 3 girls.  Whew...that's a hard task.  We discuss modesty and privacy on an almost daily routine.  My girls wonder why people wear such inappropriate clothes, comment on the covers of our magazines (really, do we need a bikini clad Lindsey Vonn on the cover of Outside magazine) and wonder why middle school girls already have boyfriends.  These are hard things to answer for a 9 and 4 year old.  And yes, my 4 year old wonders why ladies are "inappropriate".  These girls also keep me in check.  They will tell me if my shirt is cut "too low", or if my belly shows in my shirt when I raise my arms up.  Trust me, I DO NOT want this muffin top hanging out for ANYONE to see.  But, will they always feel this way?  Will I always have girls that want to wear a one piece bathing suit, or wear modest clothing?  Probably not.  But, I can sure show my girls how proud we should be to be made in the image of God, how our bodies should belong to us alone, and that we already have the blood-stained approval of the ONLY One who matters, Jesus.  My oldest recently went on a skiing trip and came home with 8 stitches in her upper lip thanks to a snowboarder.  She handled herself with bravery and poise when she commented, "you know, this will be awesome to have a scar.  It will give me something to always remember that I went skiing.".  At 9, she's not concerned with having a scar on her face to make her appear "less than perfect".  She's proud of the fact that she's living & enjoying her life.  Even if there are some bumps along the way.

Moving, not moving....

Well, as with anything, it's not over until "the fat lady sings".  This is also the case with selling a home.  It looks like the buyers have had a change of plans.  A 40 year old home didn't sound as good as a new one, so they've decided to pass.  It looks like we'll keep it on the market, at least for a bit longer, and if it doesn't sell, we'll refinance and call it a day!  The good news is, we didn't have everything packed up and moved out...could you imagine?

China adoptions

It seems like everyone around me right now is in the throws of an adoption from China.  I can't even begin to tell you how ODD that is for me!   Things in China slowed down so much for the healthy program that for the 6 years we were waiting for Marlee, hardly anyone we knew was adopting from China.  Other than us, we knew of ONE other family!  Lots and lots of people around us were adopting from Ethiopia, but apparently that is becoming more and more difficult.  This seems to be the trend with adoption.  A country becomes very popular because of the short wait time, then a back-log occurs, causing families to wait for much longer than they anticipated.  Other families see this increased wait time and choose to adopt from another country.  It's exciting to see so many families fulfill James 1:27 by caring for orphans.  Adoption is NOT the only way to care for an orphan, but for our family, it was our way.  Healthy adoptions from China is still a 6+ year wait...honestly, probably more like a 8-10 year wait if you started right now.  But, adopting a special needs child from China is more like an 18 month process.  It's beyond exciting for me to see so many friends choosing this path.  Being in China, meeting the people, seeing the children....my heart is full of joy for my friends.  I sure wish I had the funds to financially help each one of them...unfortunately, that's not the case!  God will provide for each of these families, we've seen Him do it for us.  We know that these precious children will soon be home...there's nothing like it!

moving????

We decided randomly to start looking at selling our home again.  We had it on the market about 1 1/2 years ago and weren't comfortable with any of the offers.  We decided to try again and it looks like we'll be moving.  Not sure what we were thinking with a new child and a move....but we'll see.  We're not really sure what our plan will be.  We have a farm that we've been talking about building on.  I guess we'll head down that path unless the door is shut in our face.  God certainly gave his approval on our home selling....which was wonderful because I'm very, very attached to this house.  It had to be a very, very close offer for me to be willing to sell.  Thank goodness it's almost summer...I'll need a break from full-time parenting, moving and homeschool teacher!

Needs or wants?

Sometimes my line between needs and wants becomes rather fuzzy.  I know that I don't NEED for anything in my life that I don't already have.  We have a home, health, food and eternity in heaven.  Anything else is just gravy I suppose.  But, we live in a  world  country where bigger is always better, and more seems to be the go-to way of life.  I so try to avoid that, but it's hard.  I try to live a fairly minimalist life.  You could take one look at my closet and realize that I don't have a need to always have the latest fashions.  You can also laugh at the fact that Doug and I share one cell phone that only makes calls and sends texts.  We also have basic cable in our home that allows us to watch about 8  channels.  However, there is always the little voice in my head saying how happy I would be if I just had a little more.  We are choosing at this time in our life to make some decisions about moving, building, or buying a home.  Trying to convince myself that staying where we live now is a wise, financial decision is being trumped by the desire for a big, fancy new house in a better neighborhood.  Adding to this the fact that we are a single income family makes the decision a little more tricky.  Do I want to go back to work to help pay a mortgage, or continue on the path of being home with my children?  Sometimes it's hard to look way down deep and realize that you're a little more materialistic and selfish that you care to admit.  That's where I am right now....it stinks to be a grown-up!

Life is good!

Happy Valentine's Day, Happy President's Day, Happy St. Patrick's Day, Happy Lent.... Happy everything!  Things are going so well here at the Perry casa!  Our friends & family have been so wonderful the past 2 months while we adjust  survive this new season.  Marlee is doing better every day.  It's amazing to see through pictures how she's grown and changed.   These pictures are about 7-8 weeks apart.
                                     

December 2012

January 2013

 

It's nothing short of a miracle that she's doing so well and accepting of us. She still wants Momma all the time, but so many folks have reminded me that their children were the same way at this age. That may be her personality, not the fact that she was adopted. She is very different from the 2 oldest and I find myself pinning all the differences on adoption. That's not fair of me and I need to realize that all children are just...different. Different personalities, different desires, different temperaments, just different! She is funny, gorgeous, growing and stubborn. She's absolutely perfect and I feel so blessed to be given this gift of being her mom. We are dealing with the issue of the older 2 still being very jealous. They fight like crazy trying to get Marlee's attention and it usually ends up in tempers flaring and someone feeling left out. We're still working through this and I'm sure we always will. Does this make me want to just have an even 4...no way! I think our quiver is full!

 

2 steps forward, 1 step back

I'm starting to see such a pattern in Marlee and our family as a whole.  The weekends are fantastic.  Everyone seems to get along, Marlee seems more relaxed and I'm able to enjoy my family more.  You know what the main ingredient is that makes weekends better?  Daddy is HOME!  Although it's unavoidable that Daddy must go to work each Monday morning (we do enjoy having food and clothing) Friday can't some soon enough.  We are blessed that Doug doesn't have to travel for his job so he's home each night, but it's still wonderful on the weekends when he's with us.  Marlee has had a really difficult week with him so far.  When he's been gone all day she can't relax and enjoy him in the evenings.  But, weekends are great for the two of them.  She's used to having him around and will play without being on my hip.  During the week, she cries the minute he walks in the door and won't stop unless I'm holding her.  It makes for a very stressful evening.  I can't imagine how he must feel driving home from work knowing this is what waits for him when he walks in.  From Fri-Sunday she does great, but it starts all over again on Monday.  She actually cries when ANYONE comes to our house and I'm not holding her.  I'm guessing it's a little fear of the other person taking her away.  I can understand her fear because the woman that cared for her the first year of her life was instantly gone when these "white people" walked in the room.   I know she has to remember that.  Please continue to pray for our transition.  It's great between the two of us, but things really need work in the daddy-daughter department. 

Yes, I'm still here....

I don't know why I can't manage to blog about our life in regular increments, but it certainly just isn't happening.  Marlee is doing better and better each day.  Sometimes I look at her and can't believe she hasn't been here forever, but other times I feel like we just got home.  She is still very, very attached to me, but is beginning to go to Doug more and more.  I'm beginning to go workout again and leave her with Doug, so I'm feeling better all around.  I was really struggling when we first got home trying to do it all.  Once I let go of perfection, things went much more smoothly.  I feel less stressed now and love, love, love this season of my life.  Praise God for Marlee's wonderful transition!

A new week!

This week starts another semester of MOPS (Moms Of Pre-Schoolers).  I am beyond excited!  I don't give myself enough time by myself and certainly don't give myself enough time with other ladies.  MOPS allows me 4 hours a month of "girl time".  It will be a little different this semester because Marlee will be coming with me.  She still screams away from me, even when Doug has her, so we're not at all ready for childcare.  She didn't even make it longer than 30 min. with my parents last week.  I'm not sure when she'll be ready to be dropped off with someone outside of the family...we're taking baby steps in this department. We just don't want her to be completely miserable and fear that we're not coming back.  She's had that happen twice in her life (being left) so I understand her fear. My sweet MOPS friends have been praying for us like crazy and I can't wait to SHOW HER OFF!

I am NOT Superwoman!

As a stay-at-home/homeschooling mom, I'll be the first to tell you that there is an unspoken "pressure" that we put on ourselves to have it all together, get it all done, be everything for everyone and do it all with a clean house and homemade bread in the oven.  Oh, and the bread should be made from whole-wheat grain that you grew in the backyard garden.  Blah, blah, blah....Well, I don't have it all that together.  I'm not.even.close!  Every January I come up with a list of goals for the year.  Not so much resolutions, just goals to keep me motivated.  So far, I'm way behind.  Going from a family of 4 to a family of 5 was much harder than I anticipated.  But, isn't everything worth having, a little harder to come by than the easy stuff?  I spend most of the day with a baby on my hip and trying to keep the other 2 from screaming at each other.  This was not what I expected.  There is a lot of jealousy between the 2 big girls.  Not jealousy that Doug and I are giving our attention to her, but jealousy when Marlee gives her attention to the other sister.  They fight over her constantly!  School is going well for Maggie and I find that things get easier in January since the holidays are behind us.  Morgan is beginning to pick up on her #'s and letters a little more now that she's almost 4 and she enjoys doing "homework".  Marlee is adjusting as well as can be expected.  She's adjusting better than I would if I was alone in China for the last 30 days.  I so wish I was the mom who let her children be creative, messy, adventurous and care-free, but in this stage of my life, I'm really craving still and quiet. Some days I feel like we only "survived" the day instead of "thrived".  I pray for a season of still and quiet time for our family.  Time to get back as a family unit and time to be still together.  I'm not sure if or when that time will come again now that everyone is growing up.  Maybe I'll add it to my list of goals for 2013...hey, it can't hurt!

School days

Yesterday was our first day back at school, and my first day to attempt teaching 3rd grade, pre-school and cruiser-room teacher all at the same time. It didn't go as well as you would think...I'm totally kidding here, if you thought it would go well at all then you are CA-RAZY!  We seem to alternate days with Marlee.  One day she'll be happy & great.  The next, she's a screaming mess most of the time.  I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong on the screaming days but I wish we could be a little more consistent.  Maggie is working on multiplication skills for math, environmental changes in Science, parts of speech/vocabulary for English, keyboarding skills, and finally....sewing.  This girl takes every scrap of fabric (old t-shirts I'm throwing away, scraps from my sewing room, rags, etc...and makes things constantly.)  She's been stitching by hand for awhile because that was honestly much easier for me.  Yesterday we ventured to the sewing machine.  If I can keep her from sewing her finger to the fabric then I consider it a success. 

She drew a doll, cut it out, stitched, stuffed and applied make-up.  I would show you the picture but it looks a little like ET.  She says she's not finished yet so I'll post a picture upon completion.  She's also taken up knitting.  My mom & mother-in-law have helped her learn a basic knitting stitch.  I don't know ANYTHING about it so it's pretty neat so see your child learn something that you don't know how to do.

The purple is a project she's working on now and the red is a scarf she knitted for Marlee for Christmas.  Grandma helped her with the fringe but she did the knitting herself.  I'm so impressed. Morgan is working on her letters.  She's not interested in the slightest bit to learn.  She wants to grow up and wear fancy clothes, make-up and have fun.  Maybe she could use Paris Hilton as a mentor. 

Happy New Year!

I can already tell that 2013 is going to be fabulous.  Our family is complete and we are adjusting so well.  I really struggled for a while about our family being "complete".  I love being a mother and I wasn't sure if I would ever feel like I was done having children. But, now that we have our 3 healthy girls, God has given me a complete peace that this is IT.  It's such a great feeling!  I am, however, completely open to the fact that God could provide more children for us one day...I'm just not longing for it.  It will definitely have to be His plan.  Doug says I haven't been at peace about the size of our family because Marlee still wasn't home...so our family wasn't complete~yet! 
Today is back to our normal routine with Doug going back to work and school back in session.  It's the first "normal" day for us since we got home with Marlee. We'll see what "normal" looks like for us now. It will be interesting to see how school works for Maggie with 2 little people sharing Mommy time.  I'm hoping I have enough patience to pull off this 2nd semester!  I'm so excited to see what 2013 brings for our family. Happy New Year to you and many blessings to your family!